Childhood Chocolate Chip Cookies When the color of your childhood changes

For my friend JHP - it isnt good-bye.

Ive actually been trying to write this post for over three weeks, but havent had the words.  Ive also not had the time, but I think if I had the words, I would have made the time.  But finally, tonight, Ive given myself the time and space to try and put down in words some thoughts that have been rattling around in my head, with no words to describe them.

Im not a good-enough word smith to put together eloquently the feelings that need to be represented, words to describe what it is like to experience the death of a childhood friend.  There is this profound emptiness that comes over the once full memories of childhood and a change in the color of those memories.  What were steady, consistent, innocent memories suddenly change and become different, more faded and less bright.  My friends and I lost a bit of our childhood in the death of our friend - not that the memories changed, but the innocent feelings about those memories are less so. 

A few of us have been sharing childhood pictures of us, some Halloween, some church retreats, and seeing her present in those photographs pinches my heart because even though she is still in the photographs and our memory, she isnt here on earth.  Its almost like the pictures lie to me - that she existed, but no longer so.  Wrestling with that, with her absence on this planet, is not something that I ever imagined doing.  She left, too quick, too soon, before I was ready.  I do have my reassurance that she is with our Heavenly Creator and Father and that finally her body is at peace.  We will meet again in heaven, and for that knowledge, I am grateful.

My friend loved cookies.  She loved chocolate chip cookies.  And Ive made this particular permutation of cookie 11 times since her passing.  It was my own way to grieve I guess, a way for me to feel closer to someone who has gone, a way for me to feel better, to taste sweet innocence again, to share cookies with those whom I love.  Maybe its my desire to master something of my childhood, to slip back into the past memories, but whatever the reason, I made them each time thinking of my friend.  They are rich, sweet, crumbly, the stuff of childhood.

JHP - When I get to heaven, make sure you pretend to like these cookies.

Childhood Chocolate Chip Cookies
Makes 4 dozen

Ingredients
2 ½ cups all purpose flour
½  teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon baking powder
½  teaspoon kosher salt
8 ounces (2 sticks) room temperature butter
1 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 large egg
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

Method
Position rack into center of oven.  Preheat oven to 375

In a small bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.  Set aside.

In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle, beat butter until fairly smooth.  Add both sugars and beat until well combined, then beat for a few minutes until mixture is light and creamy.  Scrape down sides of the bowl.  Add egg beating and scraping the bowl as necessary.  Add dry ingredients and mix on low speed to combine.  Mix in chocolate.

The dough or shaped cookies can be refrigerated, well wrapped, for up to 5 days or frozen for 2 weeks.  Freeze shaped cookies on the baking sheets until firm, then transfer to freezer containers.  (Defrost frozen cookies overnight in the refrigerator before baking.)

Using about 2 level tablespoons per cookie, shape dough into balls.  Arrange cookies on pan, and using the pal of your hand, slightly smoosh them down so they will spread.  Bake for 12 minutes or until tops are firm and the edges golden brown.

Serve warm.  Or cold.  Or with a cold glass of milk.

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Whole Wheat Brown Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies The fingerprints we miss

The other day, I overheard Daughter #2 saying to Daughter #1, "Im only going to have one kid. More than that is just too many."

I quickly whipped my head around and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Mommy.  You always tell us that three kids is a lot of work," she stated.  

I asked, "Do you think Mommy doesnt like having three kids?"

"You always say three is hard work so Im only having one," and she walked off.

After she left, I wondered what decisions she would make for her future life based on her current one.  I grew up with two brothers (younger) and had in my head that I definitely wanted an older brother and that I wanted my kids to have an older brother.  As we all know, this did not happen.

I wonder how many of my actions will determine their actions.  I wonder how many of my own choices help them decide their own.  Im curious to see if Children take on the strongest parts of my personality - my activist side, my cooking side, my writing side...my baking side.

I do know that these cookies caused a major stir in the house because of the smell of brown butter.  Daughter #2 has never been one to INSIST on eating a cookie after Ive told her that one is enough but this particular bunch has her all worked up.  She came home from school today after I had baked a bunch for the teachers and danced around the kitchen saying, "But I want one SOOO BAD!"  I told her no and to eat her fruit and her crackers for snack.  I heard her mutter later, "When Im a mom, Im just going to bake and eat them all."  Hmm....not sure about my influence on this point.

The trickier part of these cookies are making brown butter.   (For a great tutorial, check out this post on Simply Recipes.) After that, there is nothing different from a regular cookie making trek except for the use of whole wheat flour.  Before you tell me that youre not interested in a whole wheat cookie, let me assure you that no one will know and no one can tell.  Theyll only wonder what makes this cookie so special. I love it because the whole wheat gives a thicker, less "spread out" texture and toasted flavor of whole wheat provides an extra interesting note to this killer cookie.

Whole Wheat Brown Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

adapted from Good to the Grain by Kim Boyce
Makes 5 dozen

Ingredients
16 tablespoons (2 sticks) cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
3 cups whole-wheat flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1 cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 ½ cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

Method
Make brown butter.  Heat a heavy pot or skillet over medium heat and add butter pieces.  Whisk frequently to ensure even melting of the butter. After about 5 to 6 minutes of melting, the butter will foam up and subside.  At this point, watch the butter carefully to see if the bottom of the pan is becoming covered in brown specks and the color of the butter has turned from yellow to warm brown.  The difference between brown butter and burnt butter (which is used in other recipes) is about 15 seconds. Once the pan bottom has golden specks, remove butter from heat and set aside to cool for about 2 hours.

 Whisk together flour,  baking powder, baking soda and salt into a mixing bowl.  Set aside until needed.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Combine the browned butter and sugars in the bowl of a stand mixer or hand-held electric mixer; beat on low speed for about 1 minute until just mixed . Add the eggs, one at a time, mixing to incorporate after each addition, then add the vanilla extract.  Scrape sides of the bowl.  

Add the flour mixture and mix slowly until just combined.  The dough will be stiff.  Add chocolate chips and mix until chocolate chips are incorporated throughout the dough.   Scoop cookies however you normally like; I use a tablespoon scoop.   Make sure to lightly press down the tops of the cookies so that they have a chance to spread out evenly and nicely.

Bake for 16 minutes, until golden brown and the flavor of nutty brown butter fills your home.

Serve warm  or cool.

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Brown Butter Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies Post it sized messages

Husband - even when you make me nuts, Im glad its you who makes me crazy.

This June, Husband and I will celebrate 12 years of marriage, and this October, well celebrate 19 years of being together.  19 years is almost half my life, and its a good chunk of time to spend with another person.  I left Parents home at age 18 and never went back, so in some ways, Ive been with Husband longer than my own parents.

This means, ahem, that we have our fights, our disagreements, our squabbles.  I accept that in any relationship, conflict and tension is par for the course, and that usually, such fights blow over.  I liken the tempers in the house to tropical storms that often are ferocious, but once over, the skies are blue and clear.

Id say that Husband and I have pretty open communication, and although Im not a "yes" wife, Im a nice wife.  I think Husband wishes I were much more of a yes wife, but hey - thats just not where I am.  Hes not a "yes" husband either, so lets just say that opportunities for mini explosions are there.

Most recently Husband has been miffed because of my continual refusal to use this cheap bolt on the front door.  We have a sturdy deadbolt (which is difficult to break in demonstrated by the lock smith who failed to open both my garage and front doors) and above that is a simple slide lock that we installed when the kids were young so that they couldnt just fling the door open.  Its still high enough that even Daughter #1 cant reach it yet.  Ive always thought of it as a way to prevent the kids from getting out and not as a way to deter people from coming in, as its not Fort Knox strong.

However, Husband insists that it needs to be bolted and time and time again, Ive forgotten/failed to slide the upper lock and this is majorly frustrating to Husband. Upon his return from work, hell walk over to the front door, see that its not bolted and come and find me and ask, "Did you see the front door lock?"

"Yeah, I locked it of course."

"BUT NOT THE TOP!  Why cant you bolt the top?"

Instead of being the good wife and saying, "Okay.  Ill try harder to remember to bolt it next time" my response continues to be, "Thats not the important one to lock. Its not going to keep anyone out."

Husband generally throws his hands up in the air and stomps off frustrated at his lack of a "yes" wife.  I know, I should, but now its become more of a way for me to torture the Husband at his expense.

Yesterday, Husband came home, noticed the unlatched top slide and called from the foyer that I hadnt slid it into place, to which I responded, "Okay okay, Ill try and remember," while keeping my fingers crossed.  However, when I went up to bed, I noticed something stuck to the door and went over to investigate.  On the door, near the lock was a small yellow post it with the words, "Lock me plz."

At first I was stunned.  A POST IT WITH INSTRUCTIONS?  However, I didnt respond, and merely went upstairs and didnt comment to husband.  Today, however, I carefully thought of what my response should be.  Clearly the doorlock is the single most annoying thing that I do, so I needed to find the single most annoying thing Husband does.  Believe me, the list was extremely long, but I wanted to keep things short and sweet.  I decided to put a post it, on the bed, and it said, "Dont eat here please."  (Husbands desire to snack in the bed has made me completely bonkers.  I cant stand it.)

Today, Husband came home from work, and I heard him bellow again about the front door "WHY ISNT IT LOCKED?  Didnt YOU SEE THE NOTE?"  I heard him go upstairs, and then I went upstairs as well and then I heard, "YOU THINK YOU ARE SO FUNNY, dont you?"

Well, ahem.  Yes I do.  Snort.

Smaller than a post-it note, with more of a message than a post-it note, with a longer lasting effect than a post-it note, are these cookies.  I basically took the Brown Butter Cranberry Cookies and switched out the cranberries for chocolate chips to see what Id get.  What I got was way better than a post it sized message. Packed with flavor, not too sweet, with complex notes and a crispy finish - these cookies are yummy.  I love the oat texture, the flax seed interest, and the chocolate richness.  Perhaps if Husband had taped one of these to the door, hed get a "yes" wife.  Im sure I wont be putting these in the bed however. Thatd just defeat the purpose of my own note.

Brown Butter Whole Wheat Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies
Makes 5 dozen

Ingredients
1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
½ teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon cinnamon
1 cup (2 sticks) butter cut into pieces - either melt and turned into brown butter or room temperature butter
1 cup light brown sugar
½ cup white sugar
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups old-fashioned oats
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips (you can also try dark choocolate or bittersweet chips)
¼ cup ground flax seeds (optional)

Method
Preheat oven to 350.

Make brown butter if desired.  Heat a heavy pot or skillet over medium heat and add butter pieces.  Whisk frequently to ensure even melting of the butter. After about 5 to 6 minutes of melting, the butter will foam up and subside.  At this point, watch the butter carefully to see if the bottom of the pan is becoming covered in brown specks and the color of the butter has turned from yellow to warm brown.  The difference between brown butter and burnt butter (which is used in other recipes) is about 15 seconds.  Set aside and allow to cool for 30 minutes.

Whisk both flours, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon in another bowl set aside.

Using an electric mixer, beat brown butter (or regular butter) and brown and white sugars until light and creamy.  Add eggs one at a time, scraping down sides of bowl and beating well after each addition.  Add vanilla extract and beat again.

Reduce speed to low and add flour mixture, carefully so that flour gets mixed into dough.  When flour is just mixed, add oats, chocolate chips, and flax seeds.

Using a tablespoon measure, scoop out dough, separating them 2 inches apart on a parchment lined cookie sheet.  Press down balls of cookie dough to help spreading process.  Bake for 15 to 18 minutes until golden brown.  Transfer to wire rack and let cool.

Printable recipe

In case you also want to leave notes for your spouse.  These colors might make such a form of communication more appealing.  

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Coconut Chocolate Chip Coffee Cake 5Cs cake Spring Break is not a break for moms

This past Monday was the first day of spring break for all the kids.  It is the first spring break in 6 years where all three kids are breaking at the exact same time and that in itself should tell you the whole story.

Three kids.  Three weeks because we are a year round school. With me.

Actually, I expected a bunch of benefits from the kids not being in school.  No more lunches to rush around and pack, nowhere to dash off to early in the morning, no more homework to check off, sign off, correct, and no extra commitment of school and the juggling act that comes with it to manage.  The kids would eat lunch at home; theyd have time to read and theyd have time to play.

All was going actually quite well on day 2 of spring break, when I decided that a run to Costco was in order.  We were out of vegetables, eggs, fresh fruit and I wanted to replenish all that.  It also seemed like an easy way to get everyone out of the house and provide them with a change of scenery, albeit the inside of a warehouse.  When I suggested it, all three happily replied YES and we piled into the car and drove.

However, as it has been literally years since Ive gone with all three kids to Costco, I quickly discovered that things were not the same as it had been the last time I had gone.  Although Son and I go to Costco, Ive not had to deal with all three at Costco.  I used to be able to stick all three in the cart and push them around, and suddenly, at ages 6, 8, 10, that seemed inappropriate and probably physically impossible as Id have to push around over 150 pounds.  This meant that all three had to walk next to me as I ran around picking up the few things I needed.

In my head, I had imagined three children, all lined up in chronological order, quietly and efficiently walking with me, with no conversation and only the shopping head in my list to keep straight.  Only no one walked next to me. What I got were three kids, skipping, hopping, jogging, weaving their way through the aisles, as I tried desperately to keep my cart from running into them and the kids out of the way of other carts.  I found myself begging them repeatedly to stop moving and to just stick close to me so that we could get things done.  They chose to point to things, ask questions, beg for different things they wanted to eat, and move from topic to topic so quickly that my shopping list flew out of my head and I began walking around trying to remember the seven items on my list that I had to have.

45 minutes later, as we stood in line to check out, the kids continued their natural antics to utterly destroy my brain and I found myself thinking that Costco with three kids was ill-advised.  I felt like a vampire had taken all of my blood and I was in desperate need of both a blood transfusion as well as a coffin to put my aching head and body in.

Upon arriving at home, the kids scrambled to move all of the stuff they wanted to eat into the kitchen and I found myself suddenly grateful that I had three little scrambly, quickly-moving kids helping me shlep all the stuff from Costco into the house.  I definitely still needed a vacation, still needed a break, and still needed a blood transfusion, but at least all of my purchases were in the house in under 4 minutes.

A happy motherhood is one where you realize what the true breaks are.

I came up with this coffee cake as my desire for another type of break, a luxurious coffee one, lingered in the back of my mind every single day this week. With the three kids that sort of thing is unlikely, but I still managed to throw this cake together easily enough.  It has the chocolate coconut mixture paired with the lovely coffee cake texture.  Its really yummy warm although its more difficult to cut and delicious room temperature as well.  Sit back and relax and enjoy the 5Cs.  Coconut Chocolate Chip Coffee Cake.

I am back to enjoying the 5Cs of spring break. Children.  Careening.  Caring.  Coffee.  Crazy.

Coconut Chocolate Chip Coffee Cake
Serves 6 to 8 people

Ingredients
Cake
1 ½  cups all-purpose flour
1 ½ teaspoons double-acting baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
pinch of salt
1 cup sour cream
1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter, softened
1 cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Topping
?  cup firmly packed light brown sugar
? cup shredded sweetened coconut
?  cup chocolate chips
1 teaspoon cinnamon

Method
Preheat oven to 350.  Butter or oil a 9x13 baking pan.

In a bowl whisk together the flour, the baking powder, baking soda and a pinch of salt.

In a large bowl cream together the butter and 1 cup of the granulated sugar until the mixture is light and fluffy, add the eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition, and beat in the vanilla. Add sour cream and mix well.  Add flour mixture on low speed, being careful to mix just until all the flour is incorporated.  Overbeating it will make for a tough coffee cake.  Pour batter into pan.

In a small bowl stir together the brown sugar, shredded coconut, chocolate chips, and the cinnamon and sprinkle on top of batter and swirl the sugar mixture into the batter. Bake the cake in the middle of a preheated oven for 35 to 45 minutes, or until a tester comes out clean. Transfer it to a rack, and let it cool.

Cut into large squares and enjoy!

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Salted Brown Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars When predictable suddenly isnt

After surviving and dealing with Daughters who have gone through wiggly teeth and baby teeth loss for the past 4 years, I was surprised to find myself surprised about Sons wiggly tooth.  I think my surprise came from my general thinking that Son is more of a baby than he really is.  When he announced that he thought that he had a loose tooth, I immediately said, "You cant already!" only to realize that yes, both girls had also lost their first teeth in kindergarten and that yes, his first tooth was also loose.

I quickly got my head around the fact that Son would be losing a tooth soon.  It was my third child to lose a first tooth, so I figured that things would be much like the Daughters - tooth gets wiggly,  it falls out (or I pull it), we put it under the pillow for the tooth fairy, and done deal.

On Thursday of this past week, Son and I ate lunch together.  He took a huge bite of his sandwich, chewed and then suddenly went to check the mirror to look at something.  He came back and said, "Something is weird.  I dont like the way my tooth feels.  Its all pushed down or something."  I tried to take a quick look and asked him to explain the pushed down tooth.  He showed me and what I discovered was an adult tooth that was coming in but not fully in, and no baby tooth.  "Where is the baby tooth?" I asked Son.  He looked confused and started looking on the ground.  I began doing the same only to realize that he had the tooth before the sandwich bite and it was following the sandwich bite that the tooth was missing.  The tooth had been swallowed. 

With a gulp, calmly I said, "Dont worry.  You swallowed it, no big deal."  Son initially seemed at peace with my pronouncement and began getting used to his missing tooth.  However, a little while later he came to me and asked, "Where does the tooth go?"

A deep breath.  "Oh.  Its in your stomach and itll come out, the way all your food comes out."

"Oh.  Okay."

"Its all fine.  Dont worry," I calmly reassured him.  Inwardly I begged him, please dont ask me to get it for you.

He hesitated.  I clenched my fists in preparation. "Mom," he asked slowly, "will it bite me on the way out?"

I couldnt help it.  I burst out laughing.  Son just looked confused at my outburst.  I reassured him that he wouldnt notice it and itd be fine.  His next question was, "How will the tooth fairy give me a present if I dont have a tooth to give her?"

I was relieved that I had a ready answer.  I explained that shed know and not to worry.

A few minutes later still, Son looked me in the eyes and asked, "Mom, are you the tooth fairy?" 

I took another deep breath and prepared to shatter childhood dreams and fairy dust as I had promised myself years ago, if I was asked the question point blank, Id answer honestly and not lie.  I said, "Yes.  Mommy is the tooth fairy."  I prepared myself for the onslaught of tears and the end of childhood.

"Mommy.  Stop joking around.  I know you cant be the tooth fairy."  He skipped off happily, all his deep questions about tooth loss, digestion, bites, and fairy visits apparently answered.

I, on the other hand, after being calm outwardly yet inwardly freaking out about tooth digestion, the possibility that someone was going to ask me to procure the swallowed tooth, and the end of magical-tooth-fairy-childhood times, was completely shaken up.

I reached for the closest thing I could find to calm my nerves.  I grabbed the cookie I had made on a whim the day before.  Brown buttery, salty, chocolaty - it was the perfect hodgepodge to counter my mish-mash of emotions.  I bit, I chewed, I swallowed.  I repeated until my nerves and their jangling got under control.  

I discovered it doesnt matter how many times youve been a mother in the same situation.  There is always a new twist to throw you for a loop and make you reach for the perfect cookie.  When those times hit, keeps these on hand.  They are easy to make (one bowl into one pan!) and that sprinkle of salt on top just reminds you that yes, life is just full of surprises.

Salted Brown Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars

Makes 1 half sheet pan, 64 squares

Ingredients

1 cup unsalted butter, cut into chunks

2 1/2 cups packed light brown sugar 

2 large eggs 

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour 

1/2 teaspoon baking soda 

2 cups chocolate chips 

1 tablespoon large flake sea salt like Maldon

Method

Make brown butter.  Heat a heavy pot or skillet over medium heat and add butter pieces.  Whisk frequently to ensure even melting of the butter. After about 5 to 6 minutes of melting, the butter will foam up and subside.  At this point, watch the butter carefully to see if the bottom of the pan is becoming covered in brown specks and the color of the butter has turned from yellow to warm brown.  The difference between brown butter and burnt butter (which is used in other recipes) is about 15 seconds.  Set aside and allow to cool for 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 375.  Line a half sheet pan (13 x 8 inches) with parchment paper on the bottom or grease.

In a mixing bowl, beat the brown sugar and butter together at medium speed until fluffy. Add the eggs and beat until combined. In a bowl, stir together the flour and baking soda then add to the butter mixture and combine. Stir in the chips by hand.

Dump entire chocolate chip dough mixture onto baking sheet.  Using a spatula or your hands (fastest when you put disposable gloves on) spread cookie dough mixture until the entire bottom of the pan is covered with a layer of dough, all the way to the edges.  

Take sea salt and crush and sprinkle lightly and evenly over entire cookie dough mixture.

Bake for 18 minutes or until golden brown. Transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.  Cut into desired pieces

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To calm those jangling nerves

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